What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 04:39
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So whats the point in blame.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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All the time i was locked up.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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This is soul school!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
What's an uncomfortable truth you've learned to accept?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We all went to grammer schools
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Im still living with it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What did i know ?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I think the readers, may guess!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
I waited trembling.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Would this be the day?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I write beautiful poetry .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My family never makes their pension either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He knew the spot.
One cannot live in the past .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So, i spoilt her more .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I don,t even have a pension.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
When she asked me how she looked .
My life is so biszare .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She wouldn,t have been !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
(And it was in our own minds.)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was in good health!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ive learnt so much.
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.
I have no regrets .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.